Mysterious flying objects shot down over North America likely not spy balloons, Biden says
(USA Today, 2/17/23)
How many train derailments have there been in the US in 2023?
Frequent train derailments under scrutiny after an ecological disaster struck East Palestine, Ohio (The Independent, 2/17/2023)
The murmur of the press corps settles as the President steps to the podium. As she adjusts a few notes, the room is silent but for the ever-present rat-a-tat of camera shutters.
“I want to start by thanking everyone for gathering at this late hour. It’s rare that we’d call you together in the middle of the night, in fact…” President Helen Roberts looks down to consult the page of bullet points her staff had hastily prepared, “I’m told this is the first midnight gathering outside of wartime. So I guess we’re continuing to make history here.”
The President smiles as a smattering of polite laughter ripples through the crowd of bleary-eyed journalists. “I do apologize for the short notice, but with the rumors we’re seeing all over the networks right now, I felt it was important to directly address the press and put everyone at ease.”
The President fixes her gaze on the front row, where some of her harshest critics sit, notepads and pens poised. “We are not at war with aliens. Period.”
With virtually no reaction from the crowd, she continues, “The reports of unknown aerial phenomenon over some of our major cities have contributed to wild speculation that we’re actively engaging an extraterrestrial force and manufacturing cover stories of train derailments and industrial accidents to hide enemy assaults.”
Pens scratch, and cameras flash.
“Let me be as clear as possible. The discovery of extraterrestrial life would represent a monumental restructuring of our human identity and likely up-end our entire economic and global political structure. This administration would not risk those consequences by withholding the truth from the American people.”
“Unfortunately, our media partners have not been so responsible, and I’m aware that we have representatives of several of those networks who are with us in this room. The rank speculation and fear-mongering happening on our airwaves and across social media is a threat to our national solidarity and is already destabilizing the markets. The DOW lost nearly 500 points earlier today when a cell phone video began to circulate online purporting to show an alien army marching human prisoners onto their ship at gunpoint.”
The President pauses to let the absurdity sink in. “They were shooting a movie! I’m told that the film, called ‘Visitors’ will be the directorial debut of Ron Bryant, who some may know as the writer of the ‘Machines’ horror franchise. They hope to be in theatres this fall.”
“Really, the madness has to stop. There’s no bigger advocate for free speech than me, and my administration will continue to be as forthright with the American people as possible, but we implore everyone to please, calm down, and please stop these silly rumors.”
A phone dings somewhere in the mass of reporters. Then another. In seconds, half of the press corps is squinting down at text on a mobile screen. The President looks behind her, somewhat concerned, to see her own staff equally engrossed. Her Chief of Staff looks up after a few seconds, and their eyes connect.
Secret Services agents begin to spill out from hidden corners, hands held to earpieces as they receive instructions from some unseen controller. The agents encircle the President, nearly lifting her from the floor as they rush her from the room via a side door.
Most of the President’s retinue follows close behind, leaving only the Chief of Staff and a somewhat harried young man in khakis and a plaid button-up. They exchange a few heated whispers before the Chief of Staff disappears, too, leaving her interlocutor alone behind the podium.
Members of the press are wild-eyed, staring up from the audience. They watch the young man step to the Presidential podium, clearly stealing himself to speak.
“Um…I’m John, er, Abrams. I’m part of the Communication staff. The President has, um, been pulled away…” John swallows hard, “for a pressing personal matter.”
John’s fingers curl around the corner of the podium with white-knuckled angst. “I have been, um, asked…to share the tragic news that some of you may have already seen. A tragic accident at a, um, a….”, there’s a pause as John searches for the words he’s been given, “oh…a nuclear research facility located in Georgia. The resulting explosion has damaged a significant portion of the city of Atlanta, and the White House, um, our thoughts and prayers are with the community after this tragic event. Thank you.”
John’s shoulders slump with relief as his fingers release the podium, and he steps away. He shouts a parting, “No questions please!” as the reporters shoot to their feet, and the noise level in the room explodes. He leaves the room at a near sprint, as a stunned press corps watch his back disappear through the suddenly popular side door.
The gaggle breaks apart, some dropping back into their seats to read the backlog of texts arriving and others rushing from the room to file on the events of the briefing. Some miles away, the Presidential motorcade makes all due haste to an undisclosed location, while, overhead, a weather balloon/CGI effect/atmospheric anomaly charges its ion cannons.