On the title alone, How Now to Kill Yourself: A Portrait of a Suicidal Mind is a daunting prospect. Add in the page count (nearly 500) and that even trying to Google he book will fill your screen with suicide support numbers, and it’s fair to say that this book isn’t for everyone.
The author even begins by saying that anyone currently facing depression or suicidal ideation shouldn’t read this. In many ways, it reminds me of the tendency that some have for reading the biblical book of Job when they’re facing their own tribulations, when, of course, that’s the absolute worst time to do it. So while this is a book about suicidal ideation, it’s probably not for those with suicidal ideation.
Our author, Clancey Martin, takes us through his own journey with depression and suicidal tendencies. It’s a lot. He’s attempted suicide dozens of times, frankly more than he can even count as individual attempts, and he has been arrested and even institutionalized on several occasions. He has a somewhat troubled family history, substance abuse struggles, and has had a recurring desire to take his own life since he was a child.
We ride along with Martin for nearly his entire journey, from failed attempts, rehab, mental hospitals, and a very complicated relationship to Alcoholics Anonymous. In the end, he seems to be in a good place now – stable, sober, and not interested in suicide. But he readily admits that this could change at any time.
On the whole, I found the book to be somewhat long and lacking a central thesis. It’s primarily a memoir for an acknowledgedly troubled mind, which provides an interesting lens into mental health challenges that are often dealt with secretly and silently until it’s too late. The author knows this and points out that even doing something like Googling How Not to Kill Yourself can end you up on watch lists. It’s hard to encourage those who are struggling to talk about their difficulties if even using the word suicide creates an immediate backlash, to say nothing of the social pressure and shame that will often result.
In those ways, it’s an interesting read, even if you decide to skip ahead a bit. And as an alternative, you can listen to a great interview with the author on Sean Illing’s podcast The Gray Area.