All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone. – Blaise Pascal
In his alternative history of the 20th century, Stranger Than We Can Imagine, author John Higgs describes a hard turn towards individualism as one of the defining characteristics of the age. Even without delving into the influence of Aleister Crowley, Ayn Rand, Ronald Reagan, and others, anyone who’s been alive in the last 50 years has seen the power of individualism in our society. It may be more pronounced in certain countries and communities, but the emphasis on what “I” want has increased significantly worldwide.
I’m not here to debate whether individualism is a good or bad thing, but I do want to begin by recognizing that it is a philosophical tidal wave that has swept across the globe.
An aspect of individualism that I find particularly challenging is the sense that “I” am in charge of my decisions and am solely accountable for the results. Without getting sidetracked by concepts of meritocracy and privilege, I’d like to consider a few problems, and some potential solutions, to that phenomenon.
What do you mean ‘we’, kemosabe?
When we confront a new decision or think back on past decisions, our sense of “I” splits. There is the “I” of the present moment, but also a past “I” who got me here and a future “I” that will inherit the consequences of the decisions I make today.
A perfectly rational mind should consider all of these selves to be the same. Across time, we (past “I”, present “I”, and future “I”) survive because the accumulation of choices keeps us alive, fed, and at least productive enough to exist in a community.
A present “I” who was purposefully antagonistic towards future “I” might willfully sabotage them by committing a heinous crime or physically harming oneself. A future self sitting behind bars might look back on such a past self with quite a bit of disdain.
It’s because our past, present, and future senses of self exist in some level of balance that we can develop a personal narrative of how we got to the present and do things like save for retirement.
But psychologists have documented two tricks of the mind that throw this self harmony out of balance.
The first is temporal discounting, the idea that we value costs and rewards very differently depending on how soon we’ll face the result. Anyone who has stayed up late despite knowing that you have an early morning has faced this phenomenon. Finishing the movie, playing more of the game, or whatever kept you up was deemed more valuable than the future you waking up rested.
The second idea is called the ‘end of history fallacy’, presented succinctly in Psychologist Dan Gilbert’s Ted Talk below.
This idea refers to the mistaken belief that who we are in the present is who we were meant to be. Whatever roads we’ve traveled to get us here are complete, and we’re mostly done changing. Research has shown that most people will admit to having changed in the past, but they’re just as sure that they’ll change very little in the future. This creates all sorts of problems when imaging who you could become.
Taken together, these two ideas create wide identity gulfs between our past, present, and future selves.
Know Thyself
To return to the dangers of rampant individualism, I contend that when we think of “ourselves’ we’re mostly thinking as present “I”, but making decisions only as present “I” is dangerous. When we discount the world we’re creating for our future self or fail to examine the limitations of our past selves, our present self can only be expected to pursue the largest and most immediate payout.
What this often means is that we indulge in the present and let our future selves sort out the consequences. I can’t speak for you, but I can recall hundreds of times that I overate, drank too much, stayed up too late, put off work or chores, or otherwise made a bad decision because doing so meant present me would get something I wanted and someone else (future me) would get the consequences.
When we do that often enough, moments of reflection leave us looking back on our past selves without a lot of love. “Why did I do that?” we think. “How could I have been so stupid?!”
That kind of self-anger can be just as destructive when pointed at our past self as when pointed at our future self. So how do we reconcile the relationship between our past, present, and future selves to the betterment of us all?
When Two Paths Diverge
I’m a sucker for Robert Frost’s The Road Not Taken because it so clearly illustrates one of my favorite ideas – reality tunnels. Originally introduced by Timothy Leary and later expanded by author Robert Anton Wilson, one’s reality tunnel is the sum total of the ideas, beliefs, culture, frames of reference, perceptual biases, etc. that shape the world you exist in.
There may be an objective reality somewhere out there. Whether it’s somehow pure mathematics or formed by fundamental particles interacting in a grand clockwork that we can’t understand, our experience and perception of that objective reality filters through so many mental lenses that it’s blurry at best.
If our view shifts from looking through the blurry lens to looking at it, we can start to become aware of those otherwise unseen forces that are shaping us. This can be as technical as measuring unconscious bias and pointing out mental fallacies to as commonplace as knowing that we’re claustrophobic and react to stress by overeating.
Once you start to understand and detail the features of your reality tunnel, you have the opportunity to begin choosing your reality tunnel. Find something about yourself that you don’t like? Say angering too easily or constantly putting off work? You can change that thing about yourself!
Jumping back to Dan Gilbert’s Ted Talk above, it’s wrong to think that your personal history is over. You’re not done changing. Your personal preferences, living situation, relationships, and even personality, are still evolving. In a year, 5 years, 10 years – you will be somewhere. It most likely won’t be exactly where you are now, so knowing that change is coming, you have the ability to start evaluating possible futures and choosing the reality that you’d like future you to have.
Now that may be easier said than done, but I see parents doing it all the time, just not for themselves. When humans think about their children’s future lives, we’re often very ready to organize the present and even make sizable sacrifices. Parents cross national borders, sacrifice their own health, save money, etc. to pay it forward for the next generation.
All we’re talking about is the same principle directed to your own future self.
Author Benjamin Hardy offers a roadmap for doing this in a Havard Business Review article from August 2020. He suggests purposefully focusing on your future self and the kind of life that you want the future you to have. Then, identify the path that would get you there.
That second part can be tricky. If your vision for your future self is as rich as Jeff Bezos, there may not be a realistic road from here to there. You’d do better to imagine your future self as financially secure instead. Then your possible paths might include managing living expenses just as much as they may require making more money.
But this process isn’t just the prosperity gospel. If your future self is better off in some way, you need to think about the characteristics of that person that helped them get there. Maybe they watch less television or they procrastinate less. Maybe they work less than you do in the present and have invested that time back into their family. Identifying as many aspects of your ideal future self as possible will help you see the roadmap to getting there more clearly and understand when certain actions in the present don’t align with the vision of who you’re becoming.
The next step is to think about the future you – a lot. When you have a decision, think about how it will impact not just present you but also future you, and how you’ll look back on past you based on the choice they made. I’m much more motivated to knock out work or chores when I think about my future self being able to relax on Saturday afternoon.
Before you know it, present me gets to sit on the couch and read a book because the dishes and laundry are already done, and I’m suddenly very thankful to past me for giving me such a wonderful gift. This cycle can help create a much more harmonious relationship with one’s selves, which only makes it easier to really want the best for future me.
Conclusion
One of the most powerful ways to build the future you want is through reconciling your past, present, and future senses of self and aligning them all to the same goals.
The individualistic idea of “self-mastery” imagines a rider sitting atop a powerful elephant. If only “I” pull hard enough on the reins, “I” can surely tame the mighty beast and direct it where “I” want to go. But the idea of that singular “I” is an illusion. Present “I” is only the halfway point between who I’ve been and who I’ll be. Without that understanding, I may be tugging on the elephant’s reins, but I’m certainly not steering towards any particular destination.
Barring an unforeseen tragedy, there will be a you in the future. Whether you’ve built the reality tunnel yourself or not, that you will be fully loaded with a personality, opinions, and biases, and all of that software will help dictate their mental health, job, relationships, and a million other aspects of their life.
Self-partnership, by which I mean reconciling the multiple you’s to a common set of goals, can be a much more powerful way of growing and building a better life. You can engage in a process of purposefully developing your future self, weigh the short-term payoffs for present you vs. helping future you, and come to understand (and often forgive) the actions of past you.
By no means is this process a once-and-done type of engagement. It’s rather a shift in perspectives that recenters the “I” that we operate from when facing day-to-day decisions, and as such a significant project, it’s going to take time to get right.
But hey, no time to start like the present.